


weight in gold

by nutmeg101



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Gen, National Women's Soccer League, US Women's Soccer National Team, Women's Professional Soccer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 07:00:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutmeg101/pseuds/nutmeg101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>we dreamt like martyrs, i never thought i was bold enough<br/>you pushed me further and i take the blame for the both of us</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	weight in gold

**_i._ **

 

 _july, 2011//  
_ _frankfurt, germany_

 

The bus ride back to the hotel from the stadium is long and silent. Only the engine roars and rumbles as the scenes of greenery that whip past them on the Autobahn begin to fade into something more grey and desolate.

Everything hurts; bodies and hearts. 

Bits of gold confetti have made their way onboard and Kelley toes away the shiny flecks that have pooled by her feet. The medal sits heavy on her chest until she has to take it off and tuck it into her backpack where it can’t be seen.

Silver has never looked so dull. 

Next to her is Hope, who usually sits alone at the back of the bus. Today she wants company even if she’s been staring out the window the whole time unable to look anyone in the eye. It still doesn’t stop her from holding out her hand for Kelley’s.

It’s new, their friendship. Unexplainably different too, but it grows quickly without any qualms. Their fingers stay interlocked for the entire ride, pulses beating softly between their palms.

At one point, Kelley catches a glimpse of Hope’s face in the reflection of the bus window. She’s crying. Kelley is heartbroken too, but seeing this, strong and unbreakable Hope Solo in tears devastates her. She leans closer, letting her head fall to Hope’s shoulder. It’s all Kelley knows how to do to comfort her because she knows that no words will ease the pain.

Hope tenses for a moment, all the muscles in her shoulder rigged and Kelley is halfway pulling back when Hope slowly relaxes into it resting her head back on Kelley’s. It’s comfortable like this, like somehow they’ve been doing this their entire lives. Kelley gives Hope’s hand a reassuring squeeze and Hope responds by squeezing back.

It soothing and little bit electrifying despite how low and broken Kelley feels when Hope’s thumb runs lengths along her palm; her toes tingle, her heartbeat quickens. It’s strange timing, but it’s then that Kelley entertains the idea of having a crush on Hope.

That night, Hope doesn’t sleep. She spends those quiet, solemn hours outside on the pool deck in a lounge chair painfully reflecting on this afternoon’s game. Above her, the sky is polka dotted with stars that twinkle with a greatness that is almost mocking. As the minutes tick by, she’s beginning to feel less and less like herself. Her heart is like sandbags in her chest and she’d be a lot lonelier and sadder, but Kelley is by her side the entire time.

  

 _january, 2012//  
_ _vancouver, british columbia_

Ali tears her ACL. The news that she’ll have to miss the rest of the qualifying tournament and the Olympics settles over the team like a blanket of black dust. It’s heavy, hard to breath.

No one had expected this and the realization that one of their star players is out hits too close to home. It’s not like they don’t have the talent and depth to fill that open roster spot, it’s that Ali is _family_ and nobody wants to see family go through this.

So as the team soars through the tournament without a hitch, shutting out every single opposition by great margins, they make a pact in solidarity that they will play the Olympics in Ali’s honour.

 

 _august, 2012//  
_ _london, england_

The American flag rises first to the top of Wembley Stadium.

Screams and chants of 80 000 people rock the walls, the team stands in a line, gold medals worn with pride, and hands over their hearts. They played for Ali; they won for Ali. 

Kelley finds herself wrapped in a flag with Hope, medals clashing between them. She can’t exactly put to words what this moment means. The whole journey seems surreal; converting from a forward to a star defender in such little time and then playing every single minute. Kelley knows she has Hope to thank for that.

“I never want to be on the field without you,” Hope beams, wrapping Kelley tighter in the flag. “You _rocked_ this tournament.”

“It’s all because of you,” Kelley says, tugging at Hope’s jersey. She almost leans up to kiss her, but this isn’t the time or place. Hope doesn’t look like she’d mind though. 

“No way,” Hope shakes her head. “This was all you. You worked for it, you fucking _got_ it.” She pulls Kelley’s medal out from between them and presses it into her chest. Kelley feels her heart beating against it, knows this should be their moment, shining and glorious. But she’ll happily share it with Ali, with everyone else, because this is a team and they’ve earned this _together._ Nonetheless, it’s as if Hope can read her mind because her next words echo those sentiments.

“This is for Kriegs and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but three years from now when we _win_ the World Cup, this will be _our_ moment. Just you and me.”

Kelley grins, heart inflating. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

 

 _march, 2014//  
_ _albufiera, portugal_

 

“Let’s run away,” Kelley says to Hope one night while they’re alone at the beach. White light from the moon halos them, cool water from the sea lapping in waves over their bare feet. Kelley hugs her knees tighter to her chest and leans into Hope, relishing the warmth.

“Let’s just forget about everything for a year and just…disappear,” she continues. It’s only a joke of course, but somewhere over the course of three some odd years, this is the path their friendship has taken. They’ve grown close, found confidants in each other.

“Where would we go?” Hope asks, hair ruffling the breeze. She shifts a little, letting herself take the weight of Kelley. To outsiders, it may seem as though they’re together, but only they know the truth of how just how blurred that line is starting to become.

“Anywhere. Maybe one of those tiny islands off the coast of Australia that no one knows about. You know, like Fiji.” 

Hope ponders. She rests her cheek against the top of the Kelley’s head and Kelley can actually feel her smile into it. Then Hope laughs. It’s reassuring to Kelley, makes it feel more justified and allowed when her heart starts stammering.

“ _Everyone_ knows about Fiji.”

“My degree is in science, okay? Not geography.”

“No excuse. You went to _Stanford."_  

It’s nice like this, easy. Kelley finds so much comfort in these little moments – the quiet teasing, the sort of banter she doesn’t have with everyone else. And then there’s this unspoken sort of pull between them; an undercurrent just waiting to be sparked.

They sit in silence for a bit listening to the way the waves whisper into the shore, like it has a secret to tell. Like maybe it knows about the staccato in Kelley’s pulse anytime Hope so much as looks at her; or the calm in Hope’s heart whenever Kelley is nearby.

“I would, you know.” Hope’s voice is carried away by the wind, but finds its way to Kelley, who curiously tilts her head up searching for Hope’s gaze. “Run away with you,” she clarifies. And if Hope were drunk, Kelley might laugh it off. But out here under the blanket of stars, ignited by the beauty of the scenery surrounding them, Hope’s eyes flash with an almost dangerous promise of tomorrow.

“I know,” Kelley answers, soft and earnest. She reaches up to tuck a flyaway strand of hair behind Hope’s ear. Her hand might linger too closely to her face for a beat too long, but it’s enough of an invitation for Hope to slowly inch forward.

From this close, all Hope can smell is Kelley’s cinnamon chapstick and all of Kelley’s instincts are telling her to just go for it. Just kiss her dammit. But she’s too nervous, too caught between two different minds and so lost in how dark Hope’s eyes have become.

“What if we went to-“ Kelley tries, but all Hope has to do is softly shake her head and Kelley shuts up. By the time she even realizes what is happening, Hope has a fistful of Kelley’s hoodie and is pulling her closer until their lips meet. 

Kelley shows no resistance, melting into it completely, like this has been a long time coming. Hope’s lips are softer than she’d expected, but she tastes just as she had imagined – like the strawberry starburst she had been eating earlier. The thing that kills Kelley the most though, is that the kiss is long and slow, agonizingly deliberate.

Like Hope had been planning it.

It has Kelley feeling invincible.

 

_**ii.** _

 

 _october, 2014//  
_ _concacaf qualifying_

It’s Hope’s first time ever rooming with Julie and if she’s being completely honestly, she’s actually pretty excited. Julie’s been an up and coming defender for a few years now and she’s already proven her worth to the senior squad, but this time the weight of the competition is different. This is the tournament that decides if they go to World Cup or not and Hope is looking forward to spending some time with her, mentoring her, growing her.

And besides, Julie is funny and laidback and Hope already gets along with her.

“You’re not some like, crazy neat freak, are you?” Julie asks, dumping her bag onto the floor next to the bed closest to the window. Hope trails in behind her, tossing her own stuff onto the adjacent bed. She watches as Julie’s ponytail swooshes back and forth in all of its blonde glory and then raises an eyebrow even if Julie can’t see her.

“What makes you think that?”

“I don’t know. You seem like you like order in your life.” 

“You don’t?”

Julie glances over her shoulder and Hope is already sitting on the bed untying her shoelaces. Hope is looking at her though, an eyebrow cocked once more for appropriate measure.

“Of course I do,” Julie turns back around, heading towards the window to push the curtains open wider. As if the sun weren’t bright enough, she can almost feel Hope’s gaze burning into her. “I just don’t want to have to sleep with one eye open if I leave a shoe or bra of out place.”

Hope lets out a snort. “You’ll have to sleep with both eyes open,” she fires back, taking a pillow and punting it at Julie’s back. Julie spins around with the quickest of reflexes, retrieves the fallen pillow, and whips it back at Hope. It smacks her square in the chest; some block for the world’s best goalkeeper.

Julie grins. “Just for that, I’m leaving my shit everywhere.”

- 

Later, the dining hall fills with teammates and coaching staff alike. There is round table upon round table scattered haphazardly; another long strip of tables with all the food ready to go buffet style. Usually Hope and Kelley sit separately not for any other reason but to not raise any suspicions and maintain some boundaries. After all, they’re still only just friends (who have made out a handful of times). More importantly, they’re teammates trying to focus on a goal that’s bigger than whatever is currently growing between them. 

This time around is different though.

They’re almost inseparable, Kelley too tightly wound around Hope’s finger for her own good, Hope too stubborn to admit that she actually likes it and feels _something_. Kelley may be one step ahead, but it doesn’t stop them from hanging off each other whenever they can.

Tonight they sit next to each other at dinner, and while Abby rambles on about the depth of their attacking options, Hope and Kelley pretend not to notice the way their body language seems to gravitate towards one another. Shoulders angled at each other, Kelley leaning all the way over to tell Hope things when doesn’t even need to, and for a quick second, Hope’s hand falls to the inside of Kelley’s knee under the table and Kelley does everything in her willpower to not budge.

It’s not until Julie is giving them a _look_ from across that table, kind of half confused, half amused because Kelley is so not subtle and it’s obvious that Hope hasn’t heard a word that’s that Abby has said, that they both realize just how dangerous this game they’re playing is.

Hope retreats her hand, cheeks ablaze. She hastily shoves a forkful of penne pasta into her mouth chewing so methodically that she can barely taste it, and Kelley refocuses her attention to Abby while aggressively cutting into her chicken.

The space between them lights on fire.

- 

The tournament starts of shakily, just barely defeating Trinidad and Tobago in an extremely subpar performance. Passes aren’t completed, the midfield is a mess, and the field vision is non-existent. The only light to the game is the defense, and the single goal they score is more of a relief than it needs to be.

Kelley gets no minutes and acts like it doesn’t hurt, but Hope is the only person she lets herself vent to.

“I guess I should resign myself to a life of bench warming,” she sighs melodramatically while they’re walking from the locker room from the bus. In front of them, Kling is literally skipping alongside Becky while Moe pretends to not be apart of it. “Do you know a place that makes butt molds?” Kelley adds. “Some of those benches are so uncomfortable. I think my left cheek is numb.”

Hope tries to not laugh, but is unsuccessful. She knows that it’s been a long time she’s been in Kelley position, but she remembers what it feels like. And if anyone knows that Kelley is more than just a substitute, it’s Hope. 

“Don’t waste your money on an ass full of plaster,” Hope says. “Jill isn’t stupid enough to let your talent rot away. You’ll be tearing up the field in no time, I promise.”

“You sure?” Kelley says, looking up at Hope. She’s half grinning and tapping at her right butt cheek. “Because I think the other side is getting numb too.”

Hope rolls her eyes, then she’s shaking her head and laughing.

“Just get on the bus, weirdo.” 

-

Several days later, Hope is right. Kelley doesn’t start the match, but she stays on for the full second half as they go on to easily dominate Guatemala in a 5-0 defeat. There isn’t much conversation after the game, both of them pulled in different directions. But across the locker room, Kelley finds Hope’s eyes and even if she’s in the middle of a conversation with Julie, Hope winks and Kelley feels her stomach flip.

Later that night, there are muted celebrations throughout the hotel. It’s mostly just different competitive board games scattered throughout but by some fortune Kelley finds herself alone in Hope’s room while Julie is nowhere to be seen – probably playing _Settlers of Catan_ with Whitney, Moe, and Kling. 

Kelley is lying on Hope’s bed, starchy sheets itching at her exposed skin while she monopolizes it all. She’s scrolling through twitter on her phone and in the middle of tweeting something when Hope emerges from the bathroom wrapped in nothing but a towel and her hair dripping tiny pellets of water onto the carpet. 

“You’re still here?” Hope asks, pleasantly surprised. Kelley’s eyes dart away from her phone and Hope is immediately aware of the way that Kelley is practically ogling her. Her cheeks shade pink. 

“Where else would I go?” Kelley offers. She sits up and Hope pads towards the edge of the bed where she grabs a hairbrush from the desk and starts to brush her hair. She’s still watching Kelley watch her and just like the flip of a switch, everything in the room starts to grow more charged and alive.

“Told you you’d get your minutes,” Hope says, pulling the tangles out of her hair. Kelley shifts to her knees and shimmies forward until she’s close enough to pull the brush out of Hope’s hand and toss it aside. She doesn’t even try to hide the fact that her gaze is drawing patterns all over Hope’s bare skin.

“Yeah, you did.” She tugs Hope by the towel until they’re only inches apart. The towel threatens to give way.

“Hey,” Hope protests meekly with a breath caught in her throat. “I was using that.” Kelley half smirks and then she’s looking only at Hope’s lips.

“So do I get celebratory kiss or something?”

Hope swallows, but her eyes darken with a challenge. She’s never actually seen Kelley like this – so authoritative – and it’s driving her crazy.

“Just one? What about one for every goal we scored today?”

Suddenly Kelley is feeling lightheaded.

It takes no time at all for all the space to close between them. Kelley’s got one possessive hand around Hope’s neck and one on the small of her back. Hope is still trying to hold her towel closed but after one kiss slowly turns into four and then five, which then turns into Kelley practically gasping when Hope pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and runs her tongue along it, Hope's mind is drawing blanks and can no longer keep her hands to herself.

The towel falls to the floor.

The rest is history.

-

In Washington, DC, the soles of Kelley’s Nikes squish softly against the old and worn carpet of the hotel as she strides towards the elevator. It’s quiet and eerie in the hallway, just the faint buzzing of an exit sign. The team has put on another dominant display today, this time against Haiti. But there are no celebrations, most of the team already tucked in for the night.

Kelley can’t sleep though; she needs to take a walk. She figures some alone time in the fresh air might help her clear her mind, which has been reeling for the past three days. Try as she might though, it keeps cycling back to the same thought. 

She had _sex_ with Hope Solo.

Like, _The_ Hope Solo. Someone that she’s looked up to for years and was lucky enough to even build this amazing friendship with. Someone she never expected to let alone… _kiss?_

Kelley can recall it all too vividly and it sends a wicked pulse throughout her body. The way that Hope’s skin was so soft against hers, the way Hope’s touch had been so commanding, and then there’s the way Hope had her gripping at the bed sheets while all she could do was mutter expletives into the pillow. The reverie that followed after was very short lived when they both had realized just how late it was.

Kelley had only just made it out of Hope’s room moments before Julie’s return, and maybe if Julie _had_ seen Kelley slink back into her from down the hall, or the way that all of the blankets on Hope’s bed had been messily shoved to the side, she never says a word.

Now out here in this barren hallway, Kelley’s entire body is buzzing just thinking about it all.

She’s pressing her thumb into the down elevator button in a daze and watching the numbers climb higher and higher when behind her, a door squeaks open. Just as if the universe had been listening, Hope steps out with the utmost of perfect timing.

“Stalking me?” Kelley says over her shoulder. Her heart is beating erratically, nervous and excited. Hope shrugs nonchalantly, her eyes smiling. 

“Maybe. Where are you off to this late?”

Kelley studies her, eyes trailing down to Hope’s neatly tied shoes, keycard and phone outlined in the pocket of her sweats. She knows that Hope is looking for her, it’s written all over her face.

“I could ask you the same question."

Hope shrugs again, smiling with her mouth now and steps forward until her arm is flush against Kelley’s.

“Going down?” Hope asks, and she knows immediately that as soon as the words leave her mouth, she’s in for an earful.

Kelley blinks once, the corner of her mouth slowly turning upward.

“Only if you want me to.” 

-

The streets are oddly quiet tonight, not many out even if it’s just past eleven o’clock. Lampposts are dim, the breeze is warm and muggy. It doesn’t stop Kelley and Hope from staying close. There isn’t all that much talking at first, just hushed footsteps against the pavement. 

Their knuckles brush momentarily and Kelley thinks about holding Hope’s hand. She _wants_ to, but she doesn’t. They’ve held hands before, but that was when everything was still innocent. Now, holding hands out here, in the quiet dark while there’s nothing to celebrate, no excuse, almost feels like too heavy of a commitment given the nature of just how casual this is _supposed_ to be. Even if they never talk about it, it’s just always implied. 

It’s as if any physical contact that denotes any sort of emotional attachment is prohibited. 

As if the sex _doesn’t_.

There’s just always this invisible haze between them because whatever fine line they had been trying to hover has definitely been crossed, and now there’s a different line and neither of them is sure of what it’s meant to separate.

Still, Kelley keeps her hands at her side, while Hope’s are in her pockets anyways. They walk a few blocks making mindless conversation like they always do; laughing, giggling. There’s so much more they _should_ be talking about, like what all this means for their friendship because too much might be the notion that they’re still just friends, but they’re going to dance around it for as long as they can. 

- 

The night maybe doesn’t end in the way that Kelley had hoped or wanted, but it does end with Hope walking Kelley all the way back to her hotel room even if it’s just thirty feet away from Hope’s. 

It’s almost awkward, like high schoolers on a first date. No one knows what to say at first, just nervous hands and glances. Hope is looking at Kelley differently though. There’s something in her eyes – not necessarily desire or anything akin to that, but after all the weird tension of the past few days, it gives Kelley this sudden, overwhelming sense of confidence to lean up on her tiptoes and kiss her.

It’s quick, nothing too lingering and weighted with wanting. Kelley isn’t sure if she regrets it. She’s waiting for Hope’s reaction to dictate her own, but Hope is quick to lean in letting a hand cup Kelley’s face. She breathes. 

“Goodnight,” Kelley whispers, eyes still closed as she pulls away. She doesn’t want it to end.

“Goodnight,” Hope repeats similarly, her breath still ghosting over Kelley’s lips, fingertips brushing at her cheek.

It’s Kelley who makes the final move because she knows if she doesn’t, they may be standing out here all night. She digs through her pocket until she finds her keycard and then she’s bashfully and reluctantly saying goodnight to Hope one last time before retreating into her room. 

Okay, so maybe the night _does_ end the way she wants.

-

Julie is still awake when Hope tries to sneak in. She’s laying on her bed in the dark, laptop casting a bright light over the face. Her eyes glow from behind the screen and it stops Hope dead in her tracks. She stares at her, like she’s surprised she’s still up.

“Where’d you disappear to?” Julie asks, eyes questioning as Hope quickly toes her shoes off.

“Oh. Just to the convenience store to get some allergy pills,” Hope pulls out of nowhere. She doesn’t even have allergies and is praying Julie doesn’t ask for the evidence.

“For an hour?”

“I wasn’t gone for an hour.”

“An hour and…twelve minutes, actually.” Julie states, turning on the side table lamp for Hope. 

Hope kicks her shoes into the corner and then rummages through her suitcase. The sounds of some British monologue coming from Julie’s computer filling the silence. “So now you’re keeping tabs on me?” she says, turning her back towards Julie and pulling her shirt off and unclasping her bra. She replaces it all with just a sports bra, unbeknownst that her profile is dimly lit in the mirror.

“Well someone’s got to.”

And when Hope turns back around, Julie’s eyes dart away from her and back to the computer, but traces of a smug grin are evident. 

“What are you watching?” Hope asks, quick to change the subject. She knows that Julie isn’t oblivious, but the heat is a little much especially when her lips still burn with the taste of Kelley’s.

“Some Beatles documentary. It’s…interesting. You wanna watch with me?”

“A Beatles documentary?” Hope pads over to the side of Julie’s bed and peers at the screen. It looks familiar and then she remembers that Kelley had forced her to watch it with her not too long ago. They had only made it through about fifteen minutes before things had gotten a little too handsy.

It’s enough to make Hope want to politely decline and call it night, but there’s something about the way Julie is looking at her, smile lopsided, eyes bright and blue lit by the glow of the computer screen that has Hope thinking twice. Julie senses the hesitancy so she shifts to the inside of the bed, leaving a pocket of a space under the comforter for Hope.

It’s strangely inviting so Hope says fuck it and empties her pockets before climbing into the bed with Julie. She settles in maybe a little too closely, arms and legs pressed together more purposefully than accidentally and then she’s noticing the mirror and that Julie must have just seen everything. It’s nothing no one has seen in the locker room before, but being caught in the dark when she _thought_ no one was looking makes her body warm.

And then Julie is scooting even closer so they can both see the screen. It’s not the first time Hope has shared a bed this closely with another teammate (besides Kelley), but it’s the fact that she’s deeming this as _intimate_ that has her feeling a way that only Kelley has made her feel before.

The only difference is that it’s _Julie_ and Julie is eleven years younger _and_ perplexingly _straight_.

Then again, so was Hope until she met Kelley; and she can’t lie and say that Julie has never made her flustered in the most inopportune of times, like right now or on the field or during team meetings. There’s a part of her that knows she _shouldn’t_ and doesn’t even _want_ to be feeling this way especially when she can still recall the smell of Kelley’s shampoo even when she isn’t around.

Ultimately, Hope knows what her boundaries are with Kelley and what they are with Julie. She tells herself this isn’t weird or wrong and then lets herself relax. 

- 

She’s disoriented the next morning when she wakes up, blinking the sun out of her eyes. There isn’t a wall where there usually isn’t and that’s when Hope realizes she’s still in Julie’s bed. Confusion sets in for only just a second before she remembers dozing off to images of Paul McCartney and John Lennon, and Julie mumbling something about a conspiracy.

When she rolls around to see if Julie is still sleeping, there’s a pang of relief to see that she’s already gone. The sheets are still warm, but Hope’s mind is a lot clearer in the daytime. Did they cross a line? It’s not like they cuddled…did they? She pulls herself off the bed to check her phone and there are a few missed texts from Kelley.

_Hey sleepyhead saved you a spot at breakfast._

_Wow someone must be tired._

_I can’t believe you just missed Pinoe choking on a grape._

Hope stares blankly at her phone. Kelley’s texts always make her smile and they’re pulling at her heartstrings right now, but there’s just something about kissing Kelley goodnight and then falling asleep and waking up in someone else’s bed that leaves Hope feeling some type of way. She can’t pinpoint it just yet, but she knows shouldn’t have enjoyed laying next to Julie for as long she did; especially when she thinks she likes Kelley as much as she does.

-

The night after their final 6-0 win over Costa Rica, the hotel staff is gracious enough to gift each player’s room with a bottle of champagne. The team congregates in the barren dining hall, cheers-ing styrofoam cups of bubbly as they celebrate their CONCACAF championship title as well as securing themselves a spot in the World Cup this coming summer.

“We’re bringing this fucking World Cup trophy back to America where it belongs!” Abby shouts from atop a chair. Anyone who was around for the previous World Cup remembers the sting of the loss still too vividly. But as Abby raises her cup in the air, everyone follows suit, screaming and shouting, hugging, high fiving. They know this is their opportunity to erase those memories and rebuild with newer and happier ones. 

Kelley’s cheeks are pink with glee and Hope’s movements are languid, less calculated. They hang off each other loosely, careful to keep their affection at bay. Kelley makes a conscious effort to keep her hands to herself, but Hope just has thing about her when she’s drunk where she likes to talk Kelley’s ear off, tells her all kinds of things she’d never say when sober. It’s so endearing and one of Kelley’s favourite things and that makes it so hard for her to not want to grab Hope’s face and kiss her right then and there.

-

“I’m going to kiss you later,” Hope whispers into Kelley’s ear when she thinks no one is watching them. She lightly drags a finger down Kelley’s bicep and watches as she goosebumps. She means it, but in this moment it’s nothing more than just a way to rile Kelley up.

Kelley’s jaw clenches, her breathing hitches. She looks around and if there weren’t so many wandering eyes, she’d pull Hope out into the lobby and into the stairwell.

“I’m holding you to that.”

Hope’s smile is lazy, a definite side effect of the alcohol. Her motives may be clear, but she’s looking at Kelley in a way that only an unspoken connection could convey. Kelley thinks that whatever she feels next is also a side effect of the alcohol, but she knows she’s felt it before; like when they’re sharing stolen moments, or running to each other after games, or even when Hope’s name lights up on her phone screen. 

It’s not the alcohol; it’s not the high of the win.

Kelley is falling.

-

The night takes a turn when Syd and Ashlyn suggest moving their celebrations to the bar across the street. Half the team quickly scatters upstairs to change, while the other half deems sweatpants and muscle tees as appropriate attire and heads over first, Kelley being one of them.

Upstairs, Hope and Julie tread lightly around each other. With the alcohol that courses through their veins, there’s a very different vibe to the night. Hope knows she should have gone straight over with Kelley, but when Julie practically shuffles her into the elevator with everyone else, Hope just sort of goes with it. Suddenly it’s as if everything that Hope has been trying to not feel around Julie starts to creep up on her; and Julie is actually openly and outwardly flirting with Hope.

The worst part is that Hope flirts _back._

“I’ve had a lot of champagne,” Hope giggles through a hiccup. She’s half standing, half sitting on the edge of the small, wooden desk and grabs the open bottle from behind her. She holds it out at Julie who is standing out on the balcony. The way the light reflects off her hair almost makes her glow. Hope can’t stop staring. “ _You_ haven’t had enough.”

Julie is apprehensive while moving forward, but then retrieves the bottle from Hope, letting her fingers brush over hers.

“You tryna get me drunk, Solo?”

Hope shrugs a shoulder, winking softly. Her eyes don’t leave Julie’s until the bottle reaches her mouth and she tilts her head back. Hope almost hates herself for the way her eyes paint the length of Julie’s neck. 

With two fingers, Julie wipes away the small trail of champagne that trickles down her chin and absently licks them. “Any more of this and we may end up in your bed tonight,” she says with brazen confidence. It’s so out of left field that Hope’s mouth actually hangs open a bit and instead of words coming out, it’s just a strangled breath. Julie simply winks back and returns the bottle. 

“Your turn.”

-

They’ve been upstairs for too long, the team is probably wondering where they are, but it’s too difficult to focus on getting anything done when they’re as drunk as they are and Julie is finding every excuse she can to touch Hope.

“You’re texting her, aren’t you?” Julie says when she catches Hope sitting on the edge of the bed grinning at her phone. Hope looks up, her eyes slightly hooded. 

“What? Who?”

Julie lifts an eyebrow. “ _Kelley.”_

Hope blinks, unsure of what to say. She _is_ texting Kelley – she’s doing anything to keep herself from reciprocating Julie’s attention even if she wants to. Julie doesn’t give her time to answer. She softly pulls the phone from Hope’s hand and tosses it behind her on the bed. 

“You can talk to her at the bar later,” she says, taking Hope by the wrist and leading her onto the balcony. Along the way, she grabs the champagne bottle they’ve been drinking out of and two coffee mugs. She sets them onto the patio table.

“What are you doing?” Hope asks following closely. She leans her hip into the balcony railing. Her heart is beating quicker, too aware of the way Julie’s hand glides across her back as she edges her way around her. Hope actually moves with her, letting the touch linger. 

“We’re toasting.” Julie fills the mugs with champagne, handing one to Hope. 

“Toasting what?” 

“Winning the World Cup,” she proudly states. She might not be as confident to say that if not for the alcohol. Hope crinkles her eyebrow and all the energy that’s charging between them forces her to take a step closer, to crowd Julie’s personal space.

“It’s a little early to be saying that, don’t you think? You might jinx it.” Her voice is soft puffing a little too closely to Julie’s lips. It makes Julie’s whole body feel like pins and needles. 

“Sometimes you just have to believe. If you believe, it’ll happen.”

Hope smiles. Julie is just the kind of person that makes it impossible _not_ to; but then she’s thinking about Kelley. She’s thinking that there are so many similarities between her and Julie in that she’s always admired Kelley’s unadulterated optimism, innocence, and passion; and that they’re just such polar opposites that they work so well together in so many ways. It keeps Hope on her toes and intrigued all the time.

And now she’s seeing all of that in Julie. The way she’s always so eager to learn, the way she looks at Hope like she’s goddamn magic, and then there’s the way she exerts this unexplainable control over her that only now Hope is realizing she tries to hide around Kelley.

If Hope were any more sober, that might scare her enough to back off, to say this is absolutely crazy because only Kelley is allowed to make her feel like that. But she’s drunk and Julie’s been working her ever since before they were even roommates.

Now it’s almost a game of who will cave first.

Julie holds her mug out for Hope’s and they clink, eyes locked. They let the bubbles tickle their throat, softly laughing and exchanging shy glances in between. Suddenly, Julie takes a quick, but calculated step towards Hope and she’s so close that it teeters the line that divides friendly affection and heated intimacy. She’s testing her limits, seeing how deep this thing between Hope and Kelley really runs.

Hope doesn’t back away, though. Especially when Julie is presenting her with a challenge; she can see right through it and she’s… _loving_ it. Hope's eyes glimmer, reflecting back that same challenge and that’s all it takes for Julie to lean forward and press her lips right into Hope’s.

At first there’s not much reaction from Hope. There’s a sharp intake of breath, but she’s standing stock-still, eyes closed, processing it. She’s thinking _this is not Kelley_. _This is not right_.

Julie holds her ground. She only pulls away slightly, their lips just hovering inviting Hope to make the next move if she so desires.

The temptation is unbearable and Hope’s finger is already hooking itself into Julie’s belt loop, but she knows Kelley is waiting for her at bar, knows that isn’t supposed to be happening. But as quickly as it _does_ happen, Hope is saying fuck it for a second time and leaning all the way in, one arm snaking around Julie’s waist pulling her as close as she can get.

She kisses her back, no holds barred.

Julie spills her champagne.

-

Hope’s flight home to Seattle is long and dreary. Even despite the space of upgrading to business class, she still feels trapped against the leather seats. Her back aches with stiffness and try as she might for sleep, there’s enough on her mind to keep her wide awake.

She wonders what would have happened if Alex hadn’t passed out in Tobin’s room leaving Kelley’s room to themselves. She wonders if she would have had the willpower to remain alone in her own bed and not invite Julie in with a simple beckoning gaze. She wonders if Kelley had smelt Julie’s perfume on her, or tasted the way that her vanilla chapstick may have still lingered behind.

She wonders what Julie might be thinking or saying- that she kissed, like really _kissed_ Hope Solo out on the balcony like some national hero only to have her wind up in someone else’s bed just hours later. Hope _thinks_ that Kelley’s bed is the only one she wanted to end up in, but now she wonders about all the implications this will have.

Now she’s rubbing her fingers over the bruise on her collarbone left in an accidental, but typical Kelley fashion and wondering if it’s even worth it to tell Kelley what happened.

 

 ** _iii._**  

 

 _march, 2015//  
_ _lagos, portugal_

 

“When did you know you loved Ashlyn?”

Kelley asks Ali quietly on their way to practice one day. It’s warm and humid on the bus, Kelley’s forehead already dotting with sweat. She fiddles with the air conditioner above her seat but the breeze is stagnant and stale. There’s quiet chatter around them, most prominent is the music blasting from Syd’s headphones.

Ali lowers the bottle of Gatorade from her mouth and turns to face Kelley, pulling her gaze away from the window. She regards Kelley warmly and inquisitively but doesn’t read too far into the motive- it’s Kelley after all.

“That’s a loaded question, but I guess the simple answer is when everything in my head went quiet.”

Kelley’s eyes are bright with intrigue. “What do you mean?” Ali shrugs and Kelley watches her light up. 

“I worry a lot, I over think a lot. There are always a billion conversations going on in my head. When I’m with Ashlyn, there’s only one voice and it’s hers. I’ve never had that before.” 

“She brings you peace,” Kelley affirms and Ali nods, smiling.

“And coffee.”

From the back of the bus, Hope’s laugh is light, but it bellows and it sings softly in Kelley’s ears, a song that’s become one of her favourites over the years. She tries to not let it show on her face, but the wheels are already turning in Ali’s head. It isn’t a secret though; Kelley is hardly a professional when it comes to subtlety.

“Is there a special someone in our little Kelley’s life?” Ali prods. Kelley unconvincingly shakes her head quickly, shifting back properly into her seat. She doesn’t _love_ Hope…does she? No. That would be crazy considering they’re both too stubborn to fully cross that friend like. Well, it’s mostly Hope. Still, Kelley doesn’t even know how to begin telling her what Hope may or may not mean to her. She can’t even tell herself.

“Can’t a girl just love, love?”

The bus screeches to a halt and the door opens, depositing the players at the training centre. Ali’s grin may be smug as she follows Kelley off the bus, but she’s got wisdom for the ages and Kelley knows it. 

“As long as you’re not afraid of who you love.”

-

After the sun sets on the their final night, Hope and Kelley sneak away to the beach as they do every year. It’s not so surreptitious anymore, but they pretend it is. It’s more fun that way. They walk their usual path through the soft, fine sand, weaving in an out of giant rock formations. Hope threatens to push Kelley into the water, Kelley retaliates by splashing her. 

They climb the same white cliff as they always do; the one with the ledge that hangs right over the water. They sit at the edge, feet outstretched in haphazard patches of grass and gravel as the glowing tide crashes into the pebble shore below of them. It’s just the two of them up here with nothing but each other to keep them warm as the wind zips around them. 

Kelley kisses Hope first, soft and gentle like she isn’t sure if she should or not because it’s been too long since the last time and suddenly everything feels new again. But the way that Hope melts into it kissing her back fully and passionately suggests something else.

In front of them, the moon is bright and white and it reflects radiantly off the sea. They kiss until they can’t feel their lips anymore, until Hope forgets about her guilt.

 

 

_**iv.** _

_june, 2015//  
_ _winnipeg, manitoba_

Kelley is in the wrong place at the wrong time.

She’s one of the very last to leave the locker room in Winnipeg Stadium after their 3-1 victory over Australia. There are still a couple voices echoing from the shower area, most audibly is Moe’s laughter and who she assumes is Julie because they’re attached at the hip.

There are two exits. The main door that leads to a long hallway that will bring Kelley to the bus, or the back exit past the shower area which opens up right into the bus bay. They’ve been advised to take the front for the fear of setting off the alarm, but Kelley chances it because she watches Syd go through it earlier. 

She should have gone through the front because as Kelley slips past the shower stalls undetected, she overhears something she doesn’t want to hear.

_Julie kissed Hope._

Kelley doesn’t believe it at first. She thinks it’s a joke, that she’s misheard. But as she stands quiet and still around the corner, strap of her bag digging into her shoulder, she listens to Julie unveil the details of that night.

Rocks settle in Kelley’s stomach and it feels like her whole chest is going to collapse on itself.

She wants to throw up. 

-

Kelley is meticulous in her approach to Hope, careful in not being accusatory or anything of the like. It isn’t like they’re together, for god’s sake, but maybe it feels that way for Kelley. It feels like she’s taken the time to learn Hope and Hope has let her. Now the thought of sharing intimate moments with someone else makes Kelley sick.

Hope is unnervingly quiet when Kelley calming questions her about in their designated common room. She looks up from her book, blinks twice, but otherwise her face is unreadable and Kelley feels like throwing up again. Eventually, after too many beats of silence and Hope looking as uncomfortable as ever, she finally says:

“I’m sorry. I should have told you.” 

It’s short and curt. Kelley waits for more, but doesn’t get it. She nods slowly, and then walks out of the room. Everything she wants to say is trapped in her chest and she’s trying to convince herself that this is just a dream. When she’s back in her room, she ignores Ashlyn’s greeting and darts into the bathroom. “Someone gotta poop?” she hears before she locks the door. Usually she’ll laugh and say yes, but tonight she sits on the bathtub hedge, lets the shower run, and stupid as she might feel, she cries.

It isn’t until hours later that Hope comes looking for Kelley. The guilt has caught up to her, the image of Kelley’s sad eyes searing into her brain. There’s no real apology or any sort of open conversation. 

Mostly, it’s just Hope feeling compelled to do some damage control.

Kelley will take it with a grain of salt.

 

_edmonton, alberta//_

  

The match against Colombia is gritty to say the least. There’s foul after foul and a red card gets shown early in the second half. Kelley still hasn’t seen any minutes and she would be lying to say it didn’t frustrate her to the world’s end. She’s an important player and she knows that, she’s already proven her worth in the Olympics. She loves Kling, but to see her starting in the role that she had worked so hard to earn hurts.

Kelley misses the action. She misses the slide tackles, misses the way she and Becky would collaborate on defensive plays, misses denying goals, and weirdly enough, she misses Hope barking orders at her from behind. There’s just something empowering about playing in front of the world’s best goalkeeper.

And Kelley’s not a rookie anymore. She plays with the confidence, skill, and tenacity of a veteran and more than anything else, she so desperately misses the way Hope used to take her under her wing and take the time to mentor her.

There’s a moment of frantic miscommunication on the pitch and Julie collides chest to chest with Hope and they end up in an ugly pile on the turf with a Colombian player. There’s a collective groan from the crowd and Kelley watches with a tight chest at the way Hope bounces to her knees first and hovers over Julie with concern, a gloved hand softly on her shoulder. Moments later they’re both on their feet and the crowd and benches applaud.

The game ends 2-0 in favour of the Americans. There are screams of excitement; they’re onto the quarterfinals. 

The first person that Hope runs to is Julie. She wraps her in a giant hug, one that lifts her off the ground, one that Kelley is so well acquainted with. Hope says something to Julie that has her grinning like an idiot. More and more Kelley is noticing the connection between them; the one that Hope had denied when she had said, “it was just a stupid, drunken kiss that meant nothing.” 

Kelley isn’t oblivious, though. She’s noticed the connection before, the only difference between then and now is that before, she could just chalk it up to Julie being friendly and trying to vibe with the team; trying to build that on-field chemistry. _Now_ she knows that Hope had played into too and whether or not there is or isn’t anything going on between them, Kelley honestly doesn’t want to know.

Moments later, Hope finds Kelley and jogs over. Kelley smiles, like she hadn’t just been watching the two of them with resentment, like she’s forgotten about everything. She’s trying to maintain the balance of the team. 

Hope is quick to pull her into her arms and that’s how quickly it takes for the stinging to subside, an otherwise dangerous weakness Kelley has and it’s something that Hope knows. 

“You played like a beast as usual,” Kelley says while on her tiptoes. 

“Thanks,” Hope grins, her lips brushing Kelley’s ear as they break apart. “You’ll get your moment soon, I know it.” 

“If you believe, I believe.” 

“She believes.”

They both laugh freely, like they’ve been afraid to around each other. The space between them is still fragile but there’s reassurance and confidence in Hope’s eyes that Kelley hasn’t seen in a while and it’s enough to make the blood swoosh through her head. She hugs Hope again, this time ignoring the glimpse of Julie from her peripheral. 

-

Later that night, Hope catches Kelley in the ice room of the hotel.

Too many days of unspoken words and hollow touches hang between them. Nothing has been resolved in a manner that either of them feels confident in moving forward and that’s why Kelley’s heart skips a few nervous beats when Hope’s head poke into the room. And whether the gravity of this situation might be heavier and more real for Kelley, there’s still a pull between them and it’s indisputable.

“Hi,” Hope says, arms crossed and leaning coolly against the doorframe. Her hair falls loosely over her shoulders, and even in mismatched sweats and crappy lightning, she still looks beautiful. “I’ve been looking for you. Avoiding me?”

Kelley blinks, condensation from the ice bucket numbing her arm. She isn’t sure what to say so she blindly blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Are we okay?”

Hope’s eyes are pensive, jaw line tightening. It’s a question long overdue. 

“Why wouldn’t we be?” She steals a piece of ice and pops it into her mouth. Her answer almost sounds selfish.

“I don’t want things to be weird between us forever.” 

“Does it feel weird now?”

Kelley shrugs, averting her eyes. “Maybe? A little.” 

“Don’t let it,” Hope says. She’s smiling earnestly now with small traces of guilt still etched into her face as if she knows Kelley is still hurt, knows that she handled the situation poorly. “You’re still my best friend and I want to win the World Cup with my best friend.”

The words feel like salt in a wound even if they shouldn’t. She doesn’t like the idea of sharing a title with Carli because being only “best friends” hardly seems to justify their history and everything they’ve ever said to each other. Kelley knows that Hope has never kissed Carli, never sought her out in the middle of the night with curious hands. But if there’s one thing Kelley does know and has known since day one, it’s that Hope was never going to make this easy; that she was always going to be just out of reach. 

Then there’s the weight of the world that still rests on her shoulders. Kelley isn’t one for material objects, but there’s an emptiness in her heart that could be filled with a gold medal. And no matter what has already happened or is going to happen, she isn’t sure if she has it in her to see her _best friend_ heartbroken from another loss again.

“Let’s bring home the gold,” Kelley says, finally able to look at Hope again. They’re both smiling genuinely now, but there’s still a heaviness inside of Kelley. It’s eventually negated when Hope takes the ice bucket from her arms, sets it onto the ledge next to the ice machine, and pulls her close.

Kelley likes it here, in Hope’s arms. Her heads rests comfortably on Hope’s chest, listening to the steady thumping of her heart beneath, something she’s done tons of times when they fall asleep together, only now it feels miles different.

They let the buzzing and rattling of the ice machine fill the silence and Kelley closes her eyes when she feels Hope’s lips press into her forehead, soft but thoughtful.

Maybe they will be okay, maybe they’ll have to walk on eggshells for a while. The irony is definitely not lost on Kelley when she realizes that the one person who could ever induce so much unrest in her is the only person who can calm her down.

  

_ottawa, ontario//_

 

The morning of their quarterfinal match against China, Kelley wakes up before anyone else, gingerly creeping past a snoring Christen, and takes a walk through the city. The sun is already out in full force as her flip-flops scrap along the pavement and the anticipation of tonight is leaving her jittery in all the right ways.

She knows she’s getting the start today, Jill had already told her yesterday. Now she’s trying to clear her mind, to get herself game ready because having warmed the bench for as long as she has, she feels as if she has a point to prove, an impact to make. Not only for the fans, but also for herself. 

When Kelley arrives back at the hotel, teammates are just starting to filter downstairs into the dining hall for breakfast. She gets a sleepy head nod from Abby while next to her, HAO is already pumped up and ready to go. More and more bodies start to trickle in and Kelley follows. She’s mid-way through shoveling a spoonful of cornflakes into her mouth when she watches Hope and Julie walking in together. They’re laughing about something, Julie throwing her head all the way back and Hope placing a hand around her elbow. 

Kelley can’t lie and say that she doesn’t hate that feeling she gets when she sees the two of them together. As much as Hope has told her that they are “just friends,” she’s also been equally as quiet and evasive anytime Julie’s name may find its way into their conversation. After all, Kelley can draw too many similarities from the way they had started out as friends and the way Hope is with Julie now. 

There are still empty seats at the table Kelley is sitting at and she’s half expecting at least Hope to take one of them, but when she’s piled her breakfast onto her plate, she goes in search of Julie instead. 

Kelley feels something settling in her stomach again. This time it isn’t rocks, it’s cinderblocks.

-

After the USA shuts out China 1-0, Kelley decides something. She decides she isn’t going to let this mess of a situation with Hope and Julie ruin the rest of her World Cup experience and dictate her emotions.

She isn’t going to let the fact that Hope and Julie are progressively spending more and more time together bother her – she’ll let the nagging suspicion that they’ve kissed more than once go; she isn’t going to let the way she _still_ pines over Hope keep her up at night; and when Julie says good morning to her in the elevator with a cheery smile on her face as if she thinks Kelley has no idea, Kelley is going swallow her pride and let that resentment go too. She’s going to be Julie’s friend even if that kills her because _that’s_ what a team is.

When it all comes down to it, the bigger picture is so much more important. They have a trophy to win and Kelley could never forgive herself if she let a distraction like _this_ get in the way of that.

 

_montreal, quebec//_

 

Kelley scores a fucking goal.

The second her foot touches the ball and sends it spinning into the back of net, she’s blinking tears out of her eyes and shouting incoherently. Did it actually go in? Is she onside? Did that _actually_ happen?

It did.

The German players drop to their knees and she’s instantly rushed by her teammates. They’re all screaming, some of them crying too. It’s tears of happiness for their teammate’s first international goal and no less the goal that sends them to final.

She doesn’t feel much now, but the magnitude of this moment won’t hit her until later that night when she’s looking for Hope to share the happiness with. She wants it to be like it was during the Olympics – Hope as her first go-to for big moments like this; it’s all Kelley knows, all she wants. It’s been too long since they’ve really had any alone time together, and too long since Kelley has kissed her. Her whole body burns with want even if it may not be reciprocated.

She’s not asking for much, just to share this moment with her best friend (a title she still resents but will try to come to terms with), the one teammate who has believed in her ever since the beginning, the one who saw brilliance.

Hope isn’t in her room or the gym so Kelley takes a shot in dark when she tries for the roof. She only tries it because once before, in Sweden, they had snuck up to watch the sun set.

There’s a rock wedged in the door and that’s when Kelley knows she’s on the right path. There’s more than just one voice so Kelley quietly peaks her head out first. The feeling that follows is not one that she wants to remember. She’s found Hope, yes, but she’s sitting atop a low bunker, back towards the door, with Julie nestled in far too closely for Kelley’s comfort.

Kelley swallows hard, and maybe her heart stops momentarily, but she can’t be sure. What she is sure of is that there are needles pricking at her chest and there is dread filling her body. 

It’s too much to look at, too painful; the way Julie's head rests on Hope's shoulder, arms linked tightly. So before Kelley's presence can be detected, she pulls her head out of sight. It’s then as she running down the cold and grim stairwell, heart beating in her ears, that the gravity of everything catches up to her.

Hope is going to break her heart.

 

 

_**v.** _

 

 _vancouver, british columbia//  
_ _usa vs. japan; 5-2_

 

It only takes sixteen minutes for the USA to know they’ve won the World Cup. _Sixteen_. Carli scores an unheard of hat trick and the defeat in the Japanese players’ eyes is palpable. The hill is too steep for them to climb. 

Even after getting back two goals, the fifth and final USA goal seals it.

- 

The final whistle is a sound as sweet as ever.

-

It’s nothing more than instinctual, years of repeated and well crafted tradition when Kelley and Hope run to each other first.

Hope is all the way at the other end of the field but through all the commotion on the pitch, their eyes find each other like heat seeking missiles. They’re both shouting the same thing as they sprint towards each other – _“We fucking won! We fucking did it!”_ Their bodies thud together when Kelley literally leaps onto Hope, wrapping her legs around her waist and sticking her face into her neck. Hope nearly topples over, but Kelley is small and light enough that she regains her balance. 

There are no words at first, just elated sobs and breaths. It’s hard to hear anyways with a roaring crowd of 53 000 people and belligerent chants of _U-S-A, U-S-A._ Hope is more than aware of the way that Kelley’s whole face is pressed into her neck and the way her breathing as ragged against her skin. Kelley can’t help it anyways, taking all in, sweat and all. Hearts are beating so quickly neither of them is sure if it’s them, or the vibrations of the stadium. Both, probably. 

“We won,Hope, we _won!_ ” Kelley finally manages, slowly sliding out of Hope’s hold. She leaves her hands on Hope’s shoulders, shaking her with excitement while Hope’s hands are fisted into the side of Kelley’s jersey, tugging and pulling her closer. “Yeah we did!” Hope cries back, tears streaming down her face. The moment is too familiar and strangely enough, but not surprisingly, it almost feels like they’re alone, which after so long of Kelley feeling second best and even invisible at times, it’s almost liberating. 

They’re only half aware of their surroundings when Cheney tosses an American flag at them. Hope opens it and without much thought, wraps both herself and Kelley in it – as if for the next few seconds, this is _their_ moment. Kelley is so lost in the way that Hope is looking at her; eyes so piercing, gaze burning with intent. She’ll never forget that she owes so much to Hope for turning her into the player that she is today. Hope’s eyes even flicker down and settle on Kelley’s lips and for a second and Kelley is certain that Hope is going to kiss her like she almost did some three years ago at the Olympics, like she used to all the time, crowd be damned.

She doesn’t.

It still makes Kelley’s face flush and her toes tingle, knowing that they are very much in public and that Hope is looking at her like _this._

Bittersweet nostalgia hits her in waves.

-

Kelley is brushing gold confetti out of Hope’s face when they’re rushed by Ali on one side and Becky on the other. “Champions, baby!” they both scream as the four of them get crushed into one giant hug. There are more tears and laughter and when Kelley finally pulls her head out for air, Hope slips away, stalking towards Julie. Julie is almost too eager wrap her arms around Hope and then Hope’s hands are placed a little low on Julie’s hips.

Kelley is in far too good of a mood that she doesn’t let herself think about it and she’s quickly distracted anyways when Tobin and Kling pull her away to make confetti angels, to which she has no problem in obliging. 

She relishes the moment throwing bits of the gold paper onto the air and letting it cover her. They just won the _World_ fucking _Cup._ Nothing can stop her. And that’s when everything hits her at once.

It was never enough to win Olympic gold and everything that’s happened since, all the ups and downs; wins, losses, injuries, both on and off the field – it’s all helped to shape her into who she is today. She remembers the absence of minutes that started far before the Qualifiers which lead to frustration, anger, and lack of confidence; then finally getting a World Cup start and then bleeding all over herself in a true display of passion and the best kind of aggression; and for as long as she’ll live, she’ll never forget that she scored her first goal on the biggest international stage her career will ever have to offer.

Through it all, her teammates and family – all of the most important people in her life – have stood by her side and now she’s starting to cry all over again. 

When Kelley finally sits up and dries the tears from her eyes, Hope is still standing with Julie and she catches the tail end of Julie planting a heavy kiss on Hope’s cheek that lands a little too close to her lips. Hope grins widely and returns the favour and amidst all the excitement and celebration, and Kelley’s attempt at not letting her mind slip, she feels like her throat is going to close up.

- 

The gold medal hangs magnificently around Kelley’s neck. It sits upon her chest with pride- pride in her country, pride in her teammates, and most importantly pride in herself. She’s worked a lifetime for this and will never forget the journey. As the music blares and the whole team squeezes together, ready to hoist the trophy, Kelley rushes her way through the stage.

She’s looking for Hope, hoping to catch her at one last opportune time to share this moment with her. But when she finds her, she’s already standing closely behind Julie with her arms around her shoulders, resting head-to-head.

Kelley’s heart slowly sinks into her stomach. She knows it’s stupid to be feeling like this after such a monumental win, but she can’t help it. Her heart has been hard wired and built around Hope and now she’s losing herself. In what quick fleeting seconds she has, she tries to rationalize everything, tries to find a deeper understanding of why she feels like this.

What it is, is that Julie has taken Kelley’s role as a standout rookie on the team. Hope has been working so closely with her to build her up as a player and they’ve played every single minute of the tournament together. Somewhere along the way, they got close. Too close. 

And those similarities are coming back to haunt Kelley again.

Kelley knows that none of this was intentional and malicious by either of them, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. This was supposed to be her moment with Hope. The one they had talked about for years, dreamt about like martyrs. And now, in twisted fate, the universe has come together for this moment to fall upon Hope and Julie. 

The team gathers around the trophy, fingers itching to touch it. Kelley wants any distraction so she surrounds herself with the two other teammates that mean the most to her, Alex and Tobin, who have been her rocks throughout this whole "ordeal." And as the trophy gets hoisted in the air and another confetti canon booms, Kelley looks to the sky letting herself drown in a sea of gold.

This will be a win she’ll never forget for both the right and wrong reasons.

- 

After five too many shots of tequila at the after party with all their friends and family, Kelley begins to forget about the pain. She sings, she dances, she laughs. Most decisively, she wears the gold medal the way it should be worn. 

With only pride and joy.

Even when Hope corners her by the bathroom, Kelley’s still glowing from ear to ear and throws her arms around her, kissing her on the cheek. Hope actually blushes.

“Gold is really your colour,” Kelley says, tugging on the medal. 

“Really? I thought silver brought out my eyes more,” Hope winks. Kelley smacks her in the arm and then they’re laughing. 

Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the fact that they’re champions, but there’s something unspoken coursing between them again, something that they’ve both been missing so much. 

All it takes is a subtle flash of Hope’s hotel card key and Kelley can’t _wait_ to leave the after party.

- 

The night ends in familiarity; a way that they both know all too well in which history has conditioned them to anticipate.

A big win followed by an amorous celebration.

Kelley is drunk, but Hope is drunker. Hope can’t even keep her hands off Kelley during the thirty second elevator ride up; she has Kelley trapped in the corner, bodies pressed together while she leaves no part of her neck untouched with her lips. Kelley throws her head back, her breathing ragged.

There’s something to be said about the different sort of connection they have when they’re like this, alcohol coursing through their veins. Of course impulses are dulled, and guards are lowered, but the honesty that speaks amongst them, whether it’s verbal or not, is unrivaled, almost tangible. 

- 

_“I love you.”_

-

Hope mumbles it lowly into Kelley’s ear while her hands trail under the hem of her t-shirt. Kelley can’t breathe. A shiver erupts through her spine and she’s rendered speechless and frozen. It’s a brief, very sobering moment and Kelley’s chest begins to ache in a way it never has before. On some level she knows that Hope means that and if things hadn’t transpired the way they did, she would wholeheartedly believe her.

Now the words are sharp, like razors doused in poison.

“Don’t,” Kelley manages through a strangled whisper. And through the inebriation, she can feel a lump forming in her throat and a pit in her stomach. She has time to save her dignity and humility, to push Hope away. She can stop the pain before it begins again. 

She doesn’t.

Hope doesn’t even have the time to answer (Kelley’s not even sure if the statement even registers or if Hope even knows what she’s saying) before the elevator door slides open and she pulls Kelley out.

Kelley has just never had it in her to say no. 

And then somewhere in between all that, they’re both saying silent thank yous to Syd who is staying with Dom tonight.

It’s a race and fumble to get the door unlocked and when they do, neither of them bothers to turn the lights on nor do they even have the coherency to find the switch. The back of Kelley’s knees have already hit the edge of the mattress by the time the door has time to fully click shut and Hope is swiftly tugging at the waistband of her shorts trying to unbutton them. 

“Off, now,” Hope murmurs into her mouth between kisses. 

Slowly but surely, articles of clothing begin to come off until Hope is straddling Kelley in the partial darkness, skin on skin, feeling her breathe and writhe beneath her. It’s more than undoing and Hope is already starting to lose her resolve. Especially when Kelley’s fingertips skate up and down the length of her of her sides.

Hope is just so… _smooth._

The window is open, but they’re on the tenth floor so it doesn’t matter. Soft light creeps in. A faint shadow of a lampshade is cast on the wall and that’s when Kelley notices something in Hope’s eyes.

It’s a sparkle, but it isn’t the same as it used to be. It’s dulled; it doesn’t belong solely to Kelley anymore. It’s what it has been this whole time but Kelley was maybe just too blind to see it. 

See, the thing is, Kelley _is_ in love with Hope and has been even before she knew she was falling for her. And under the right circumstances, she believes that Hope could love her too in the same way, which is why walking away feels impossible and why this glimmer of hope is so devastating.

But this is Hope Solo – unobtainable and emotionally closed off – and as much as Kelley does love her, she’s known (whether she wants to admit it or not) for equally as long that Hope was never going to be a forever thing, even if Julie had never come into the picture. 

But now that she’s _seen_ the connection she has with Julie and felt the way that theirs has changed, it’s more and more difficult for Kelley to look at Hope in the same way and pretend that she can still be okay with _just_ sex, no commitments, and everything else that’s happened because _nothing_ feels the same anymore. 

For now though, she’s a drunk world champion with a beautiful, naked woman on top of her so she’ll try to not think about it. 

-

Hope is still wearing her medal and when the remaining light that dances around the room catches it, it only serves to reminds Kelley that yeah, she’s won the World Cup, but now she’s losing Hope.

And maybe for Hope, what she has with Julie can rival what she had with Kelley, but Kelley would rather not know because it’s in her deepest heart of hearts that she knows that once the high of this win is over, this will be it for them. That this _was_ only just sex for Hope. 

So as Hope leans down to kiss Kelley, Kelley shuts her eyes tightly willing the tears at bay and kisses her back like she damn well means it, like this will be the last time.

When Hope begins to take off the medal, Kelley is quick to reach up and stop her. Her palm is softly against Hope’s chest keeping the prize in place. It’s moment that will follow Kelley forever; a lasting reminder of everything they’ve been through and everything they could have been if Hope would have just given them a damn chance because Kelley could have and would have forgiven her for everything that happened with Julie.

It doesn’t begin to truly break her until she feels Hope’s heart beating steadily beneath the weight of the gold.

“No,” Kelley’s voice wavers, “leave it on.”

 

_**end.** _


End file.
